GOLD

__________________
1997 Nissan Navara, running 3.2L de+t set up
______________________________

i went to that tatto place on canning hwy the other night after a few beers and got my self a tat on my dick of a $100 bill, went home and the Girlfreind asked why i did it. i told her now i can play with my money when ever i want, watch it grow, and now you dont have to go out any more to blow a $100

__________________
1997 Nissan Navara, running 3.2L de+t set up
______________________________

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.


Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

A boy about 13 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked,
"Why did you pick the only girl with a disease instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught".
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap.
And HE'S the bastard who ran over my frog!"

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told ?her mother.
"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
?
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, ?"It reminded me of a peanut"
?
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, ?"Really small was it?"
?
Sally replied, ?"No...salty!"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing
is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down
his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and
Kevin Rudd. They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise
they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're
going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

__________________
Funny looking German Subaru

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and
tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their
room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my
shoes. My feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it
would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that
feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See, I told
you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
Darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man,
always a Navy man!"