Go to workshop of choice, say "Hi, this is my first day but I want zoom zoom. What services does this fine establishment have in the way of aftermarket tuning?" Then purchase a Motec, PowerFc, Autronics, ViPec, dare I say it... Unichip, and then have it tuned and hope that the workshop doesn't tune it on a bung AFM, and then change the AFM, and then tune it at low boost, and then smell your seats, and touch your steering wheel inappropriately.

EDIT: And then blame a third party.

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Air is for pussies.