A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"

"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Lol, I like.

http://www.perth-wrx.com/vb/showthre...=40794&page=10

I just bought a new car out of japan. Its only done 15 nautical miles.

Brendon

__________________
Losing is worse than death. You have to live with losing....

My brother told me that linglongs are awesome and he uses them for daily tyres on an xr6 falcon.

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."



The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical
technology.




The guy leaves, but he is curious...


So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100.."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.




The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.



He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."





The robot leans in real close and says,





"So, are you people still happy you voted for Gillard ?"

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Funny looking German Subaru

Subject: Australians will get this

Very funny....


If the ABC was Relevant (Part 44) (a John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit)
(The Customer)

[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model.
Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low
maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid
of him --biggest mistake I've ever made...

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake...

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen
again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and
it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't
deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse...

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches
to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road
to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in
all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a government that's wasteful, expensive,
ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the
"Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

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Funny looking German Subaru

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired".

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars". The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit".

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Bush chook enthusiast

A guy just picked up his new sports car and took it out for a spin. He was flooring it around town, when he flew past a police car. The cop gave pursuit, so the man thought he'll see what the car was capable of and tried to lose the cop. He couldn't shake the copper so he gave up and pulled over. The cop walked up to the car ans said "Look I've been having a good day up until now, but I tell you what, give me a good reason for not pulling over and I'll let you off"
The man sat and thought for a minute then replied "Well my wife just left me for a Cop, and I thought you were the prick trying to give her back to me"

.................................................. .................................................. ...

A man and his wife were in a terrible car accident. The husband came away from it with a few nick a scratches, but the wife got the worse of it, suffering alot of damage to the right side of her face. At the hospital the doctor said that unless she had a skin graph she will be left with a scar. So the husband said it alright they can have the skin from his butt cheek to do the skin graph. So they did the operation and afterwards the husband and wife agreed not to tell anybody about it. When they returned home their friends and family threw them a party. Half way through the party the wife came up to the husband and said " I don't know how to thank you for what you have done for me" The husband replied "No need dear, I get all the thanks I need everytime I see your mother kiss your right cheek"

.................................................. .................................................

Two backpackers were walking through a country area. It was getting dark and they saw a farm house in the distant. So they decided to go up to the farm house to see if they could find somewhere to stay. The farmer agreed to let them stay but on one condition they were not to enter his daughters room and sleep with her. They both agreed so he let them stay. In the morning the farmer came down and saw both backpackers were sick as a dog.
"You two were up in my daughters room weren't you?"
"Yes" they both replied
"Did you sleep with her?"
"Yes" they replied
"Well there is only one cure for this. Both of you have to go out to the farm and pick 50 of your favourite fruit"
So they both head out to the farm. The first backpacker returned with 50 grapes
"Now you have to stick them up your ass"
So the backpacker started sticking the grapes up his ass while looking out the window he started laughing.
The farmer said "Your sticking grapes up your ass, what can be so damn funny about that"
The backpacker replied "My mates out there picking watermelons"

The government sent my Census form back!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?".

Apparently, replying "1 million illegal boat people; 3 million drug fucked dole bludgers; 3 million third generation unemployed; 2 million people in prison; and 5 million drunken stinky coons" is not an acceptable answer!