Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.

West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up
front.

Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her
big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.

St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best
assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.

Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy
on the eye and an old favourite with most.

Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to
accept it gracefully.

Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent
years and has gone completely off the rails.

Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and
uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want
to yawn.

Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it
can get ugly.

Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her
every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.

The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.

Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back
for more, all in the name of self-improvement.

Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no barrier
to getting you excited. Will only get better too.

Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and
dirty.

Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done
anything for a while.

Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you
still wouldn't.