How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake

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BEST DIVORCE COMEBACK EVER!


Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
__________________________________________________ _____________
Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SIST ER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady .

Who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

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No more GC8, sad face.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

SORRY


To all Australians, as Italians, we are sorry.

On behalf of the government of Italy, we are sorry.

On behalf of the parliament of Italy, we are sorry.

We offer you this apology without qualification.!!!!!!

For picking up all the Aussie chicks (stolen generation), and for turning them into Italians-we are sorry.

For having the best John Travolta hair styles, Rome sneakers and the tight jeans, we are sorry.

For having the best dance moves,(tarantella) we are sorry.

We apologise for having the best food and coffee.

For making the best sauce, we are sorry.

For having the best soccer players, we are sorry.

We apologise for owning 5 houses each and controlling the building
industry.



For having the best cars and winning all the drags, we are sorry.

We apologise for having the best greetings "ey!", "whe" "ciao", and coordinating these with our hands AT the same time, so sorry (by the way to all you business men in suits out there, when you are ending your corporate calls on your fancy mobile phones? Remember!!!! Ciao is an Italian word) - sorry!!!!

We apologise for building roads that last, bridges that last, buildings that last, we are sorry


We apologise for having the best fashion sense, truly sorry.

We apologise for being the most romantic and for being the best lovers, and for having many lovers, we are sorry !

We apologise for making home made food that you pay a fortune for, we are sorry!

We apologise for manufacturing the best leather lounges that you aussies do not protect with plastic - so so sorry

We apologise for having great skin and hardly ever burning in the great Aussie sun



SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCUSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VA FUNCULO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let us turn this page together: Italian and non-Italian Australians,
government and opposition, Commonwealth and state, and write this new
chapter in our nation's story together. New Australians, First Fleeter's,
and those who first took the oath of allegiance just a few weeks ago.
Let's grasp this opportunity to craft a new future for this great land:
Australia.

President Bush and Cheney are sitting in a bar.


A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?"?

The bartender? says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
Real honour! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."


The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"


Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill

140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits??


Why kill a blonde with big tits?"?


Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you,
No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".

nice one!

My Grandpa ruined his worm farm today. He threw his out of date viagra out the window yesterday. He went to check the worms this morning and they have turned to fucken nails!

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www.anytimetowing.com.au

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

__________________
No more GC8, sad face.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Don't Fart in Bed



If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanks giving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'
'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

__________________
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]11.617 120mph

Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

__________________
MY99 - Powered by Autronic, tuned by Race Torque.

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www.anytimetowing.com.au