How do u circumsize a Holden driver?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

ADRENELIN!!!!

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fag

A Scotsman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread??'
Scotsman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Scotsman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'
Scotsman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Scotland.'
After a moment of silence, The Scotsman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted....

Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and
says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "This is amazing, your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, all your meals will be provided too. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy all her sexual
urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. And finally, the
starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're
bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

NEVER LIE TO A FEMALE‏

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked
a way, and the guy fell asleep.



When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police
asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the
beach, this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the
next thing I know, here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."



The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her,
"Just what did you do to that naked fellow?"



After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with
his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and
set its nest on fire!"



Moral of the story: Never, ever lie to a female ... OF ANY AGE!!!

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[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]11.617 120mph

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Little Boy Blue!

Little Boy Blue who?

Michael Jackson.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HI LLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goesafter the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the roa d...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicke n, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's in tentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken2007< /B>©, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ...reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens

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Funny looking German Subaru

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses
her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of ti me in jail and hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked
if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.

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