These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Arguably my Automobile is Awash with Alliteration - Subaru Sti S202

^^^ Gold!

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Twin scroll Pig Bi-Squeeling

Not sure if its been posted before but here goes, got it from my old man.

A hobo walks into a jewlery shop, drops his pants and begins to finger his arsehole.
The Shop assistant replies "Hey you filthy old man, piss off!"
The hobo smirks and points to the sign that reads,

'Pick your ring, and get a free gift'

Next one.

One day, out of the blue, Fionas husband, Mike decides he would comment on his wifes arse.
Mike - "Wow Fiona, your arse is like a 3 burner barby nowerdays"
Fiona just stares at him and walks off in a huff.
Later that night Mike, whilst in bed Mike decides to see if he can get some action.
Mike - "Hey babe, wondering, you wanna snuggle?" in a seductive voice
Fiona - "Why bother? Dont wanna get the 3 burner out for only half a sausage!"

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Honda Hannspree Edition CBR 600 RR - SOLD
Yamaha FZ1N - Purchased

lol half a sausage!!

quality!!

[/quote]

And keeping with the sexist theme from an email I received.....

Well it is a brilliant idea. At least women can feel safe now.

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Brisbane City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Westfield Shopping Centre in Carindale. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Australia.

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No more GC8, sad face.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a wank




A. You can't beat a wank

The Sneeze

A man and a woman was sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more violently than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.. Are you OK?'

'I am so sorry if I've disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm..'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper'






The Centrelink Office.

A long haired Aboriginal walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir..'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. '

The Aboriginal plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me!

The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well. . you fucken started it.'

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FOR SALE - [MY REXTC] - Custom Polycarb Plates - PM Me

Q. Whats pink and rusty?




A. Madeleine McCann's bike