Rules of pooing at work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.



THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and try to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.


WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water, often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user, who seems to linger around forever, could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

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Evolution 8 MR

Forester GT

Q.....What did one KIWI statue say to another KIWI statue???

A.....Stat-You Bro!!!!....(its funny when ya tanked ok)

___________

Q....What is hard and Fucks KIWI's???

A....Primary School

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MY04 WRX CLUBSPEC 7

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

__________________
Evolution 8 MR

Forester GT

^^^^^gold!!!

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MY04 WRX CLUBSPEC 7

HAVING A BAD DAY? Well, then, consider this. .............
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> In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same
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>bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical
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>condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
>something
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>to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why
>the
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>deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of
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>experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The
>next
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>Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and
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>nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the
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>terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
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>prayer books; and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just
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>when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
>cleaner,
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>entered the ward and unplugged the life support system and plugged in
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>his vacuum cleaner.
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> Still having a Bad Day????
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> The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
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>spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
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>expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
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>cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
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>killer whale ate them both.
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> Still think you are having a Bad Day????
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> A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
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>frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
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>from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
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>from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
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>breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
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>listening to his Walkman.
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> STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
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> Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
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>Pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
>pigs
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>broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
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>The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
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> What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
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> Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
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>bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
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>was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Warning to men about Road Rage..

I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to
avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window
and gave the woman 'the eagle'

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes
I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per
lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons
and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and
is armed.

Piss one off????


...I think not!!

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RS Liberty - Because WRX's are only good for parts...

Channel 7 were doing an interview with a young mother of 8 girls….
After explaining she had her 1st child Mary at age 14, her 2nd child at 15 - her name was Mary too.
The reporter puzzled asked what was the name of the rest of the girls….
"Mary" replied the bogan.
"So they are all called Mary? Why?" - said the reporter
"well it makes it easy to call them for dinner… just say "Mary dinner's ready" - and they all come running"
"Ok" said the reporter
"And ya never forget a name"
The reporter asks "what happens if you just want to call just one of them. doesn't it get confusing?"
"Nah… I just call them by their surname!"

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Evolution 8 MR

Forester GT

Basil Zempilas.....



Thankyou..

bahahahahaha

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Evolution 8 MR

Forester GT

THANKS JAZZ! ahahahah

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.