>An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed
>by
>almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that
>could move apart and slide back together again.
>The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
>The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
>seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
>While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in
>a wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
>The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber.The
>walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
>above the walls light up sequentially.
>They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers
>began to light in reverse order.
>Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old Blonde stepped
>out.
>The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
>son........"Go get your mother."

Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
I'll give you a $100 for sex, but the girl said NO.
Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

She said "the bastard used coins"!

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

__________________
Evolution 8 MR

Forester GT

: eating peanuts
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
>>>He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In
>>>the
>>>middle
>>>of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to
>>>answer
>>>her,
>>>a peanut fell into his ear.
>>>
>>>
>>>He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in
>>>pushing
>>>it
>>>deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after
>>>hours
>>>of
>>>trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go
>>>to
>>>the
>>>hospital.
>>>
>>>
>>>As they were ready to go out the door,their daughter came home
>>>with her date.
>>>
>>>After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
>>>he could get the peanut out.
>>>
>>>
>>>The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then
>>>shoved two
>>>
>>>fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
>>>father
>>>blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
>>>
>>>
>>>The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took
>>>him into the kitchen for something to eat.
>>>
>>>Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming,
>>>"That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll
>>>be
>>>when
>>>he grows older?!"
>>>
>>>
>>>The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our
>>>son-in-law!"
>>>>
>>>

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying Hello." I
politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an ars$hole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ars$hole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up
and yell, " You're an ****$ole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '****$ole' calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from
the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ****$ole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ****$ole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
****$ole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I
asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an ****$ole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ****$oles to call. Then I came up
with an idea. I called ****$ole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an ****$ole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"****$ole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house,
with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ****$ole," and hung up.

Then I called ****$ole #2. "Hello?" he said.>

"Hello, ****$ole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ****," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, ****$ole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
time to watch two ****$oles beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

__________________
Evolution 8 MR

Forester GT

>>> The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two
>>>finalists; a
>>> university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were
>>>given a word, then
>>> allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a
>>>poem that
>>> contained
>>> the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '
>>>
>>> First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
>>> He stepped to the microphone and said:
>>>
>>> Slowly across the desert sand,
>>> Trekked a lonely caravan
>>> Men on camels two by two
>>> Destination - Timbuktu .
>>>
>>> The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal
>>>top that, they
>>> thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the
>>>microphone and
>>> recited;
>>>
>>> Me and Tim a huntin' went
>>> Met three whores in a pop up tent
>>> They were three, and we was two
>>> So I bucked one, and timbuktu.
>>>
>>> The aboriginal won.
>>>

300zx.

__________________
https://www.facebook.com/JanGlovacPhotography

MY05 STI track car | VF Clubsport

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands .
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian
Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the
course of the evening they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his
place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay
her
$200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders
Fosters
and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep
with
him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too
happy
to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks
that
if she pays him more attention then,

maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and
sits
next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia . " Melbourne ", he tells
her.

So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

" Cameo Street " he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; What
number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from
number
22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

__________________
[S]kid[S]

> A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
> He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
> and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
> meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
>
> The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
> approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51
degrees
> north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."
>
> "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
>
> "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
>
> "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically
> correct, but I've no idea how I can make use of your information. The
> fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
> anything, you've only delayed my trip further."
>
> The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
>
> "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
>
> "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
> going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
> air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
> expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are
> in exactly the same position you were in before, but now, somehow,
> you've managed to make it my fault!!"

__________________
[S]kid[S]

How do you know a aboriginal has been through your house?


The dogs pregnant and your thongs are gone . . .

__________________
M POWER