What's the difference between a Maori's and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.





A Maori and his mates were standing at the bar sinking back a few Tui's when a drop dead gorgeous chick walked into the bar and everyone went silent. Size 0, legs forever, fantastic rack, mini skirt with a low cut top - every bloke in the bar was staring at her with mouths open.
She wandered over to the Maori and whispered in his ear. In 2 seconds flat he had thrown a left upper cut into her mid section and followed it up with a crunching straight right to her face and knocked her out cold. His mates looked at him in disbelief and asked "What did she say to you bro?"
He replied, "I'm not sure hey bro, something about a job..."

Hahaha... Nice 2nd joke. Or did that actually happen?

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Have Fun.

Three men had a very late night drinking Beer & Bourbon. They left the pub in the very early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot at about 100ks an hour, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw & I don't even have insurance!". and my wife refused to bail me out so I spent the nite in the lock up.

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole fucking house down!" and now we are living at my mother in laws.

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed,


^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^"Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my fucking dog."

^^^^^^^^
Bwaaaaaahahahahahahaha...

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Have Fun.

My mate recently came back from a trip to Thailand. He said he was on a train one night and a hot chick wearing an extremely short mini, heels and a very tight top showing her huge tits got on and sat opposite him. He tried not to stare but couldn't help himself. He kept thinking to himself, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection", but she did.

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Have Fun.

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship malfunctions and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum. "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, excitedly grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You’ll never believe who I’ve been sleeping with!"

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-2009 Evo X GSR-

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"son, where were you today?"
Son says at school.
Robot slaps the son.
"Ok, I watched a dvd."
"What dvd?"
"Toy story"
Robot slaps the boy.
"OK it was a porn movie, cries the son."
"WHAT?!!" " When I was your age I didn't even know what a porn movie was"
Robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs, "Hahaha! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the Mom!!




Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!




A man riding his Harley was riding along a California Beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you 1 wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking..the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete as well as steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment..why she cries and what she means when she says nothing is wrong and how I can make a women truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"




As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become aFREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing theWALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of theCOURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identifySAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with anASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE NED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ned makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees

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Respect Mya Authoritaaaaaa!!!

Nissan Skyline r34 GTR 1999 | Cars | Gumtree Australia Swan Area - Beechboro

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2004 wrx 280.4hp

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her
early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher
when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.


(wait for it)






She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."



Kekekeke....

Joe & John are twin brothers who live in the same town. Joe owns a dilapidated old boat which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few weeks later a kindly old woman saw Joe & mistook him for John. ''I'm sorry about ur loss'' she said. ''Thank you but I'm sorta glad to be rid of her,she was a rotten old thing anyway. Her bottom was all shrivelled & she smelt of dead fish,she had a bad crack in the back & a pretty big one in the front too. She was bulging out everywhere in her old age. Every time i used her she leaked & dribbled & her old hole got bigger. I think what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to 4 lads looking for a good time. The fools tried to get in her all at once & she split right up the middle!!!''